Present, But Not Really There

 Just today, I was talking with an old classmate. He started telling me a story from high school—and apparently, I was part of it. His recall of the details stunned me.

Here’s the thing: I had zero memory of it. None.   And this isn’t the first time that’s happened. People bring up stories from those years, and I draw a total blank. Not even a faint outline. Just… nothing.

It’s made me wonder how I got through high school.    Was I really that distracted? That disconnected?    It feels like I floated through whole chapters of my life half-checked-out—like I was there, technically, but not there.

I must have gone through those years unconscious. Clueless.   Which, ironically, isn’t how I usually think of myself.

And even more ironic? I have a superpower when it comes to recall in my work life—details, timelines, patterns. So this total lack of recollection from my school days feels like a glitch in the matrix. Or maybe a clue.

I don’t have some big traumatic explanation. I didn’t feel unsafe, at least not in any way I could name. But it’s clear I wasn’t grounded. I wasn’t fully present. Quite apparently.

I’ve started wondering how often we move through life like that—skimming the surface, emotionally out of range.  Could it be a protection of sorts?  Or a sloppy habit?  Or maybe it’s the only way we knew how to get through certain seasons.

I have found that it’s easy to be in your head.   Playing out conversations that haven’t happened yet. Rehashing ones that already have.   Easy to miss the moment you’re in.

I don’t have a tidy wrap-up here. Just wondering out loud.  But it does drive me a little crazy, realizing how much of life I may have purposely (or not) slept through.

I’d like to think that in these more mature, more aware years, I’m paying better attention.
I try to notice when I’ve drifted and bring myself back.

My intention now is simple:   To stay more awake for the chapters ahead than I did for some of the ones behind.

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Have you ever looked back and realized you weren’t really present for a whole chapter of your life? What do you make of that?